The door slammed against the wall in a loud bang. The lavishly furnished room shuddered with the vibrations. My parents stomped in so loudly I thought they might leave dents in the plush red carpet. My head pounded and my eyes were overflowing with emotions. I greeted my parents first as my brother stood quietly in the corner. They were more of a mess then I was. My mother was crying like a baby tears streaming down her pale face. My brother slowly approached for the first time.
As he came up to me slowly he outstretched his little hands. In return I outstretched my calloused hands. In my hands he dropped his favorite little toy train into my hands. “Your token,” he said, “your allowed one token and I want it to be this. It has helped me get through tough times and will hopefully help you too.” Was embraced and cried. When the peacemakers told them it was time to go we decided to say see you later instead of good bye.
I noticed a couple sentences had a lack of commas that would help the reader comprehend your meaning like in these cases:My mother was crying like a baby, tears streaming down her pale face ( I inserted the comma between baby and tears), and As he came up to me slowly, he outstretched his little hands.( I added a comma in between slowly and he).
Besides grammar, you did a great job of showing not telling by using figurative language and describing how the room felt with a slam of the door, and how your surroundings changed because of you. I also liked your description of yourself, which really helped me visualize your character and her life. I do wish that you said how the train would remind you of home a little more though. Your piece had vivid descriptions and was a good read!